Your words are so beautiful and poignant. They speak to me with sincerity, grabbing hold of my core and pulling me into your world. I am amazed by your artistic expression here. Though wrought with pain, your words do well to depict the undefinable. I can relate too well with this, often I wish I had a benzo nearby when the beast awakens fully from its weary slumber.
One natural medicine I’ve found that can help periodically during full blown anxiety attacks is kratom, Mitragyna speciosa. Like most natural medicines, it’s not a sure shot, but it’s done wonders for myself. Have you looked into it at all?