Yes, there have been times when I felt I was not good enough, but that is certainly not my usual way of life. These thoughts are usually as a result of me assuming that I am incapable and unable to handle a particular responsibility. Most times, it is the case that I let no one know about what and how I feel. I do not know if it is a familiar feeling, but I think everyone has times when they feel that way.
Yet, I would not consider myself a man with a negative mindset. Notwithstanding these doubts that I sometimes harbour, I am skilled at fighting and waging them off. Deep within myself, I always say no to my doubting mind, while I focus on that which seems unattainable regardless. With this being the case, I have always been able to push through. But the fight towards believing in myself in such situations has never been easy.
A time when I doubted myself the most
In the year 2023, I travelled all the way to Benue State for my NYSC program. Benue State was an amazing place, and I was at the time having fun, enjoying my stay in the food basket of the nation. At first, it was me being elected as my CDS president; as far as I was concerned, it was nothing I could not handle. Not until my local government inspector came with his wahala. On that faithful Friday morning, he called me aside after our clearance, only to tell me that I was to take over from Collins, the former CLO.
Simply put, the CLO is like the assistant of the LGI; he is also the representative, and by implication, the head of all the corps members in the local government. I simply told my LGI that it is not a kind of job I can do, using the fact that I am already a CDS president as an excuse. His response to me was that the job is nothing more difficult than that of the CDS president, and that my vice would take over from where I stopped with the CDS. It was supposed to be a promotion, but it certainly was not.
For the first time in a long time, I felt like I would fail; like I didn't deserve to be in a position of such calibre. Yet, I decided to take it on against the doubts that were going on within me. I served for over six months as a CLO, and my LGI said these exact words to me on the day of my passing out: "it was nice working with you Ernest".
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